In the Army

After flying the greatest mileage,

After bearing the heaviest load,

After walking the longest distance,

After climbing the highest hill,

After surviving the coldest weather,

After braving the darkest night,

I came face to face with the enemy.



They were attacking my men.

They had their backs to me.

They were more heavily armed.

They were mounted on vehicles.



My team was frozen in shock.

It was all up to me now.

This was my day of reckoning.

This was my finest hour.

I mustered my courage.

I had to save my men.

I picked up my rifle,

Pointed it at the enemy,

And pulled the trigger.



Click.



Argh.



My gun jammed.

Stronger

I'm reading the blog of one girl who, under some extraordinary circumstances, managed to come to church for a period of time. I've not heard a more tragic and painful story than her's before. Just look at how many of us broke down reading her blog. Yet her sufferings before she came to church are the same as the sufferings she's facing now that she can no longer come.


And i ask God,
if he brought her to church so we could help her,
why is she she still suffering on her own now?


Then i realised.
God didn't bring her to church to meet us.
He brought her to church to meet him,
so she now has the strength to face her insurmountable struggles.


Because while she may not be with us, she will never be alone again.

Judges 21

20 So they instructed the Benjamites, saying, "Go and hide in the vineyards 21 and watch. When the girls of Shiloh come out to join in the dancing, then rush from the vineyards and each of you seize a wife from the girls of Shiloh and go to the land of Benjamin.

23 So that is what the Benjamites did. While the girls were dancing, each man caught one and carried her off to be his wife. Then they returned to their inheritance and rebuilt the towns and settled in them.

25 In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as he saw fit.


The beauty of the Bible's honesty.
The tragedy of our humanity.

Solitude

It's getting harder to stay single.

I've come to the age where it's culturally acceptable to date. It's almost okay to get married even. So now i can't joke about it any more.

Girls my age have shed the teenager attitudes and behaviours and blossomed into young ladies, becoming so much more mature and attractive than ever before.

The thing is that both of those factors are in play. I now have the option (and approval you could say) to choose one of these beautiful girls to begin a relationship with... that may well end in marriage.

It's getting harder to stay single.


So... why am i choosing to?

Glorfindel

1 month and a day since I first saw my fighting fish, he breathed his last.

Glorfindel

19th March 2009 - 20th April 2009

My fighting fish was named after the high elf firstborn son of Elrond in Lord of the Rings, who's name simply means "his hair was gold". My fish's fins were off yellow, and the edge of it's unfurled fins were luminous, brilliant gold. He learned to size up his alter ego in the mirror, jump for food suspended over the surface and attack the straw i stuck into the tank.



In the short span of his 32 day life, Glorfindel lived up to his warrior name and defeated over 34 foes placed into his tank, from the ants that plagued our food cupboard to the formidable red shrimps. His final opponent was defeated at the cost of his life, much like the Balrog in LOTR taking Glorfindel's life, though losing its own as well. The lady bug placed in his tank fought for days and when it realised it could not win, released a large amount of murky liquid into the water from it's abdomen. After that, Glorfindel slowly faded away. Even a complete change of water could not save him, and in a couple of days he lifted his head to the sky, and passed on.



As a fervent conservationist, Glorfindel would not attack any of the water snails placed in his tank to aid in clean up work.



Glorfindel danced to music. I kid you not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TJlyorxhMc



Who knew when i got back in touch with my old friend after a year of silence?

Who watched the Missions Festival video with me the very first time it was shown (before the 3000 at good friday saw it), on my home tv?

Who stayed up to help me finish preparing my application to NUS Medicine?

Who listened as i composed my first song?

Who was the first to celebrate with me when i found out i was down for the interview for NUS Medicine?

Who was the first to see me in my new suit bought just for the occasion?

Who saw me through the essay test and interview?


The answer to all these questions is one and the same person- my mom.
Hehe. But Glorfindel was there too! Quiet and unassuming, in the shadow of my mom, but always there each time.



Have you ever hitch hiked before? Have you ever tried? Can you believe someone would actually stop for you in Singapore when you put up your thumb? For the sake of Glorfindel, i did. Because of him, i tried something so new to me. And i actually got a lift to the fish farm.



My prayer from the start was that he live long and loved, being an encouragement to all who see him. Glorfindel may not have lived long, but he was loved, and he lived a full life. He saw me through the whole NUS Medical entrance process before finally giving in.



Thanks Glorfindel.



I can't imagine the spirit of a fish ascending from the water into the sky... i mean... is there water in heaven? Either way, thanks for everything Glorfindel, i'll remember you fondly, and hope you become an angelfish.

Do I really look like a guy with a plan?

You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just… do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon’s got plans. You know, they’re schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds.



Let's say everything went according to plan.

Justin applied for Vellore on time, and flew to India in time for the preparation course.
Then a letter would arrive back at home saying his essay test is the day after in NUS.

No contact
No flight
No new clothes
No consultation with Dr S

No chance.



Let's turn the clock back and everything had gone according to plan 2 years ago.

Justin applied for medicine in NUS.
Justin got called down for the interview.

Justin has not gone through the hunt for a fugitive- he knows no stress
Justin has not had men under him- he knows no failure
Justin has not punished anybody- he knows no firmness
Justin does not have Dr S' letter.

Justin has nothing to say.



I’m not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are.


I thus conclude with the same verse as the post below. Happy 101st post.

Go figure

Well we try to study. The harder we work, the better the results.

Right.

If i had not spent my time staring at my fish tank during the O levels, i could have studied so many more hours. But i would not have been able to answer the question about raising fish, and the 7 mark one one requiring us to draw a prawn.

If i had not spent sunday afternoon at the old folks home taking so many pictures, i could have studied so many hours more for my medical interview. In fact if i had not spent the past 4 years at the serene home, and taken that time to study, i could have aced all my A level subjects. But i would not have been able to answer today's essay question in the medical selection process, which i wrote on the issue on aging population.


Psalm 127

A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

² In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Only Hope

Pastor Joshua said, "We have been placed on a path between the cross and the resurrection."

This was basically the toughest time the disciples had to face. Jesus was dead, and the Holy Spirit had not come upon them yet. Sure they knew his promise to rise from the dead in 3 days, but that was less convincing after they watched him being beaten and hung and bleeding to death. Stabbed too. Jesus was so dead. Now what?


There was this little hope of him rising on the third day. He said it. Sure they believed that would be what happens ultimately, but how could it happen? They knew what the finishing point was, but they had absolutely no idea how it could be done.


Good Friday.

I knelt before the cross in my room that was revealed to me when i asked God if medicine was my direction and cried out to him, "How?" I was sure of his final direction in my life, but i was on the path between the cross and the resurrection. I knew what he wanted to do with me, i took up the sword and the path, but door after door was closed. Time after time i failed. I had no idea how i could possibly reach that end point. I wrote this a while ago:



Even the best fall down sometimes

So Aragorn took up the sword Anduril,
Left Theoden's camp,
And headed down the path of the dead.

He took up his destiny
Committed himself to the path
And gave it everything he had

He faced the army of the dead,
Fought their king,
and overcame.


Yet he failed to summon their army to fight
He failed to halt the enemy's reinforcements

And as he looked upon the black ships
Soon to enter battle against Theoden's already doomed army
He fell on his knees
And wept.



But what i didn't write was that out of nowhere (through a wall actually), came the King of the Dead saying, "We fight."

Out of nowhere, Jesus appeared to his disciples (who locked themselves in a room) saying, "Peace be with you."

Out of nowhere, an email appeared in my mailbox (just 2 days before the selection tests) saying, "We are pleased to inform you that you have been shortlisted for an interview by the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine."



I found myself on the floor again, kneeling before that cross that i had only seen for the third time in my life. It had been 3 days since i cried out to God on Good Friday in this same position. This time i just cried.



Aragorn had not won the war or claimed the throne yet. The disciples had not received the Holy Spirit or started the church yet. I have not gone for the interview or gotten into Medicine yet.

But we are happy, because now at least there's some hope of that happening.

This is my psychedelic studio table. From here i use many varying colours of post its, Staedtler pens and paper to bring writings to life.

But i realise today that you don't always have to use so much colour to bring a message across. In fact sometimes, you don't even need words.

Love is Tough

I think i finally understand what love is.


It's so easy to say you like someone and mean it. But what makes love special then? I could always hold on to one memory of a moment when you were so awesome and remind myself why i like you, but what makes that different from love?


Here's a famous verse in my own words.


The phrase "I love you" is not what i want to hear.
Not that i don't want you to say it, but you need to understand.
It is so easy to say that phrase.
Love is more than just words.


What does it mean to say i love you? Not much then. But what should it mean? Why would it make such a big difference to someone to know he or she is loved?


Because Love is tough.
I can't say i love you before abusing you.
The words i love you require a certain kind of action to back it up, if not they are empty words.


Basically saying i love you means more than just liking you for that one great thing you did. I'm saying i'll love you even when i don't like you. That's what sets love apart. Love is tough, love involves sacrifice. Love is so tough i need your help to love you. So please choose the right person, someone you can at least love when you don't necessarily feel like liking the person.


So now that we got that part clear we face the next question- why say it, why not just show it?


Here's an analogy- i could read the Bible, pray, go to church, help the poor, follow the 10 commandments and walk close to Jesus. All these are actions that show that i'm a Christian, all well and good. Do i need to get baptized to prove i'm a Christian? No. So why do i want to?


In the same way i could be showering someone with lots of love. Do i have to say aloud that i love the person to prove that i love her? No. So why should i bother?


Because i love her.


You see, actions do speak louder than words, but words backed up by actions are remembered. They are an outward expression of the heart, and such words hold so much more weight.


It's like the title of an essay. You may have written a great essay, but if you leave it untitled, it's somewhat incomplete. It's possible, but it's not complete (Opposite is true too for a great title but no essay). So seal the deal and stamp on the title and we know the work is complete. Because until it's titled and submitted, your writing is merely a draft.


So if you have been loving someone, saying I love you is more than just words to that person. It's confirmation and affirmation that the love they are feeling from you is not just for a moment. Saying i love you in this instance means i do love you, and i will love you.


And everyone loves to hear something like that.

Heart of Worship

Went to the service building up to Good Friday tonight. It was not something i planned to go for. But when i arrived, the band played, and i was reminded of a time and place i almost forgot.


A time when i didn't get so stressed about what to say at worship.
A time that i didn't worry if the music got too good.
A time i didn't lose sleep over whether a song would speak to non-christians as much as christians.
A time i didn't debate over whether every word in every song was theologically correct.


Because back then,
we pressured ourselves in writing the best script to say at worship
we wanted to make sure the music was at its best
we lost sleep over choice of songs having an impact on christians and non-christians
we all agreed on the same songs.


Things haven't really changed much. But in trying to keep everything we could the same, we seem to have forgotten the heart of things haven't we?


But you know what's another biggest difference?
Last time, we loved the Lord.
Now... We seem to be losing the we.

Argh

Today i tried to call India again.

Last month, i wrote to the Indian university i wanted to enter.

My mail bounced for a week.

Then they replied telling me to ask another university.

Online there were several sites all claiming to be the official site for that other university, each with different contact numbers.

I have been trying to call them since last week.



Today i prayed with my parents before i tried to again.

I called, they answered. I spoke, they did not understand. They hung up.



The application window closes in 2 days.

According to 2 sites online, i am not eligible.



If i go for the entrance exam, i'm fighting tens of thousands for 7 seats.

If i go for the test, i need to study Physics from scratch in a month to compete.



Honestly... I've more or less given up.

But mom and dad haven't. Keep knocking till the door's closed.



I'm not eligible.

It's not possible to study triple science in a month for the A level standard exam.

I can't fight tens of thousands of people and come out top 7.

I'm going to have to pay $125 USD to try applying.

My application needs to travel from Singapore to a small town in India in a day.



After reading Sophia's blog, i feel like swearing on my blog too. Seems applicable.

Argh.

Fading

It's been a month since i returned from my holiday.

I stopped eating lunch because i wake up so late my cereal breakfast lasts me till dinner.

I reduced fast food intake from once every 3 days to 3 days a month.

I eat less chocolate and sweets coz i felt guilty.

I started running with my dad twice a week.

I stopped drinking milk and soya bean. Used to drink 3 glasses a day.

Now i just eat rice and drink water. Alot of water.

It's been a month and i've lost 4 kg.

But i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

Titles

Walking through Popular i bought a super expensive pencil that spins the lead automatically to sharpen it as you write. Just thought i should justify myself here.


I opened a brand new tin of Poppycock caramelised popcorn with nuts, ate a few, and threw the rest away.


Back in Popular i passed by a book titled Love in a time of Cholera. I started to laugh. I began to think of other possible titles like... Romance in a time of Syphillis.


Lifehouse once said, "You tell me how could it be any better than this."
Carlsberg says, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Run

Dad and i went for a 9km run. Still can't catch up with him.

Walking back to the void deck, there was a little girl with her mom walking past.



"It you don't behave, the police will come and catch you."
Said the mother.

What did the police ever do to deserve such a position of fear in a child's eyes?
Then we came into view.



"Ah you see the uncle is going to catch you and take you away!"
She continued.

Okay now what did we do wrong that parents teach their children to run away from us.



"That's not true! Uncle is very nice, he's not going to catch you."
Dad replied.



The mother smiled.

"No, he IS going to catch you..."

Debt

Dad has chalked up a staggering $69,000 in losses from his gambling.

And that was just from playing solitare.

Thank God he only plays it on his laptop and not in real life.



Here's a quote from dad as i washed the spoon i had eaten with. I don't normally wash stuff so it's very facinating for me to see the water from the tap hit the spoon and splash out like a fountain.

"Wah son you wash the spoon into an art form."



I haven't slept on my bed for 4 days already.

Actually it's been 4 days since i slept on any bed for that matter.

If I didn't have

If i didn't have Zhi Han, i still have Jon Ma to confide in.

If i didn't have Jon Ma, i still have Bernice to talk to.

If i didn't have Bernice, i still have Yinhong to laugh with.

If i didn't have Yinhong, i still have Kimberly to share stories.

If i didn't have Kimberly, i still have Desiree to complain to.

If i didn't have Desiree, i still have Marianne to hug.

If i didn't have Marianne, i still have Glorfindel.



My 7 blessings for today.


But if i didn't have Glorfindel, i'd have no friends.