I Still Haven't Found What i'm Looking For
In light of the struggles i've been having, i made a pilgrimage to one of the most sacred places i know. Sacred in this sense does not refer to a place where people worship, but a place where i can worship, and worship most comfortably at.
I began the long ride to the Chinese Gardens. I listened to the same songs that i used to religiously when doing prayer walks just to prepare my mind and heart for an encounter with God.
I arrived at the station and bought a big loaf of bread. Then i headed in to my sanctuary.
What has it been... 8 months? The last time i came here for a solid quiet time. That was during the lantern festival and after seeing how my sacred grove had been desecrated by lights and sounds i turned away to walk by the lake instead. This time I was back and i was about to enter.
But i was dismayed at what i saw. There were so many people here. And boy was the place crowded. Families and friends were picnicking everywhere. I could not find a single quiet corner to read my Bible.
Yet God was kind, the Japanese Gardens next door was open after so many years. The Zen type of landscaping provided little shelter from the direct sun. No picnicking people here. I found a nice open area before the water and sat down.
How long has it been? 8 months? I honestly remember very little of when i last did my quiet time. Sure there was one day when i saw an awesome sunset in Taiwan and worshiped God, but such incidences were few and far between. And ever since i took over command in my unit things have gotten worst in this aspect. I've just been running around and spending so little time reading the Bible.
Psalm 1 I began with. The man who delights in the Law of the Lord "is like a tree planted by streams of water," and here i was sitting by the waterside, soaking in God's word. Cool, but not cool enough.
Psalm 2 "the Lord scoffs at them", the kings of this world. But i am so overcome by the little stresses in my unit that i can't see any bigger purpose than the plight i'm in.
Psalm 3 "From the Lord comes deliverance."
It was very cool. But i still hadn't found what i was looking for. There was no big turn. The cross that had been weighing me down for so long had not been removed. I just realised how long it had been since i last did such a meaningful QT. So i guessed the solution was a regular QT, not a one off thing before i feel better.
The big loaf of bread was for feeding the fishes. Seems to have some spiritual significance for humans to feed fish. People would throw food to the fish but chase the pigeons that come for food away. I’m not sure why. I felt nothing feeding either. I didn't find what i was looking for.
I did my religiously routine walk up the 7 story tower. Up one story, walk one round about the exterior before proceeding. I listened to all the songs that meant so much to me these years, "Faithful One", "How Great is Our God" and "The Way I Was Made", as i made my ascension. I was building to the song that started it all.
But for some reason, "Consuming Fire", the song i listened to more than any other in my life, was not on my mp3 player. How long has it been since it was gone from my i tunes? I don't even know. How long have i not heart it? Either way, i hit the 7th floor, and still didn't find what i was looking for.
I walked out of the park seeing how the clouds were blocking the sun and any hope of a nice sunset faded. These things were all poignant in my memory. The place. The nature. The tower, the fishes, the sunset. They were all instances I really met God before. But as the train i got on slipped into the tunnel even before the sun set, i realised that i still hadn't found what i was looking for.
I rushed home to search for the song "Consuming Fire" and uploaded it into my mp3 player.
I was riding back to my unit the next morning. In the train i was listening to the song with my eyes closed, tears welling up and i transferred to the bus. "Only Hope" played next and the tears spilled out in the public bus. I was returning to the source of my troubles, and though encouraged, i still hadn't found what i was looking for.
It's one thing to be encouraged. That won't last you a week of worry. It's another thing to be relieved. That takes away the worry. The difference is that the first has you charging again and again enthusiastically into a battle that you know you will lose, and the latter has you knowing that you have the means to win.
The week that followed can be summed up with the previous post. I came out worst than before.
One of my best friends sent some powerful words regarding the previous entry and it filled me with hope again, reminding me of who i was in ages long gone, at least to me. One of my greatest fears is forgetting and losing who i am. I had lost the ability to worship in abandonment. I had lost the joy in my eyes, i was losing the desire to love, and after being battered so much my hope was fading too. Yet... filling me with hope is one thing. I still hadn't found what i was looking for.
Today. Lunch. With one who was facing exactly the same thing. Finally someone whom i could tell what i had been keeping inside for the past 4 months exactly as of today. And then she spotted the problem.
Why did i think everything was my fault when it wasn't completely? Why did i always think i was the problem and i was the one to blame? Why was i thinking so highly of myself?
Sometimes, you really don't have to change that much for people. In this case i mean that for the people you're leading, not the people leading you. I just hadn't been able to see that.
I've found what I'm looking for.
And I could worship again today. What a relief.
posted by Justin at 9:45 pm
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