The Big Decision

I'm about to post something that means a lot to me, so much so that i'll need to write everything down in detail, because i need to remember how every step of this journey went. In other words, this post means a lot to me but may sound very boring to you. I'll try to make it look more interesting by using italics or bolding now and then.




The 25th of every month has always been an important day for me this year. Most of the time it involves me looking back and counting the number of months it has been since i first took hold of that bayonet in January, symbolising me taking command of my new platoon. I don't count down to the day my army term ends but up since the day i took command- and each passing month has me asking myself when can i finally become the leader i've always dreamed to be.




Yet on some 25th day of the month, it's not me who makes the day special. And on this July 25th, God helped me make one of the biggest decisions in my life.




For a while mom has been asking me if i really want to become a doctor. If i do, the family will do whatever it takes to get me a place, even if it involves the impossibly expensive overseas route. I really didn't consider it much... But with whatever possible openings fast closing, i had to make the choice quickly.




I spent a good portion of the last 2 weeks seeking that answer, and soon realised that the answer did not lie within me any longer. I was very sure of medicine before, but two years of rejection at the local university were two huge doors slammed shut in my face. And I had come to terms with the disappointment and settled for my second choice- a degree in psychology. After all the counselling i had done, i was quite sure this was something i'd enjoy and even do well in. I am a psychologist at heart.




Now the door for medicine opens very slightly and i need to make a decision. Whatever initial enthusiasm and hope i had pinned on it had been drained out by the 2 years of letdowns and drifting. I was no longer sure. But I remembered the words of Dr Gnanaraj, my host when i went to India, on the final night we were together. Somehow God must have moved him to talk about this topic because i did not think it was at all relevant at the time (I didn't need to consider anything else then, medicine was God's direction for me! Or so i thought). He talked to me about making major choices. How do you make a big decision in your life? How do you know it's the right decision? Several factors other than your own preference-




Counsel of close friends and family

The Bible- the word of God

The peace of God

Being in the state that i had no idea where my own preference was, i began searching for my answer. What i believed- one of the choices was God's will for me and that was what i was seeking. God knows the future better than i do, so i leave the decision in his hands- but discovering which choice he wanted me to take... was the tough one. So I began reading the Bible, and arranged to meet or at least talk to most of my closer friends.

I had 2 concerns on my mind, big enough to make me doubt i could even handle this course of life- the first was if i could cope with the academics, and the second was if i could cope with being a doctor- a profession that i can never be seperated from. That's like being GuardiAngel all your life. That's scary. Actually there was one more concern. I'm afraid i lose Justin to become a doctor. If i don't have enough time for myself and my God, i crumble. And if i lose who i am, i lose everything.

I started seeking with the book of Daniel in the Bible and began to see so many parallels between Daniel and i- how he was taken to a very different environment yet remained true to his God even after so many years. That parallel i drew to my army life now, and the possible life overseas studying medicine. Then came the part where Daniel gets a dream from God that allows him to explain the future to the king he serves- which gets him in a position of authority. So after reading that i prayed that God would confirm his will through a dream and went to sleep. Nothing happened.

At the same time, Dad did a 3 day fast with much prayer and ended quoting Colossians 1:9-10, something that did encourage me because it was what i really wanted to do:


9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,

I began talking to all my close friends and family to find out what they thought of my character, doubts and basically going into medicine. I met some, called some, MSNed some and e-mailed some. None could really convince me (not that they tried)- they all left the ball in my court. By the time i had talked to the 3rd or 4th the advise was about the same; the issues they highlighted that i needed to think about were more or less all out in the open for consideration. And all of the issues could be summed up with a question my friend Ming Choi in UK (whom i met at teenstreet) asked me via e-mail:

Why do you want to do medicine?

Simple question. But why was i so stumped? I could only answer the question the next day and momma did not like my answer. So why do i want to do medicine? I don't.

I do not want to do medicine. I have been practicing psychology since secondary school in my counselling and i love the mysteries of the mind. I found a passion for literature and knew i could do this study really well in the university. Medicine would be tough and i know every step will be heavy compared to flying in psychology. But. In my life I've made enough decisions to know, God's way is always the best way for me. I do not mind the tougher route, i do not mind the pain. As long as i know that God is with me in it, i know he will carry me through this. So do i want to do medicine? Not really; it is the tougher route. But does God want me to? Because if he does, I will go.

Bernice told me to think really long term, don't make a decision based on my present passions and interest. She was hinting at not rushing into medicine, but i got her point the opposite way around- All this while i was preparing myself for medicine until the door was closed and i lost hope. Psychology may be my strength, but is this interest something that can last? If i lose interest as a doctor, i go to work and just make sick people get well without bothering to talk to them more. If i lose interest as a psychologist... What will i do?

End of the day most everyone concluded that if i set my heart to it, they were confident i would make it. I was somewhat confident of that too... But... What was i supposed to set my heart on!

I started looking up universities and asking my friends overseas- some of whom were the ones initiating conversations with me although i had ignored them for a long while. Hehe. How timely anyway, i had just wanted to speak to you! This got me excited. If i was going to be going overseas for 6 to 8 years, looking through the list of medical collages approved by Singapore, i didn't want to go somewhere conventional. I wanted more exotic. Top on the list are Ireland and New Zealand! I'm still hesitating to check on Australia and UK because it's more common for people to go there. I'll go there when i'm on holiday maybe, but to study... I’m not so sure. Whatever the case this got me much more excited, and somewhat distracted.

25th of July was a Friday. Mom asked me what my final decision was. I'm almost at yes i said. Almost. Went out for lunch and came home later at night. Then i read Ming Choi's blog (22nd July post) that she takes quite long to update. She's just finished studying in UK and is now having to make a big choice of what to do next. Same situation somewhat, but she was on better footing. I was so deeply moved by what she wrote and even more so by what she quoted.

Psalm 27 resounded. Every verse attacked all the doubts that i had about myself. Because,


The LORD is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?




The short analogy at the end was awesome too. So with my doubts lessened, it was time to make a decision. I was alone at home. I closed all the windows. I blasted Switchfoot’s Awakening on the computer speakers and went to the bathroom. I normally close the curtains in my room before i even begin to bath because i change there after the bath, and because there is a straight line of sight between the bathroom door, my adjacent room’s window and the opposite blocks of flats- an important point as i left the bathroom door slightly open to hear the music blasting from the computer. But today i forgot to close the curtains.




While in the bathroom i realised the music was so loud it could be disturbing the neighbours so i went to turn it down, but forgot to close the curtains again.




So there i was in my bathroom, and the bathroom is indeed a place for reflection- you are isolated and the bathroom activities take little brainpower, leaving plenty of room for reflection. Since my house was empty i was shouting my thoughts out loud. Did i want to do medicine? Not really, but i seek to do God’s will. Was i able to handle the study? Psalms 27 sure said so, and that was approval from the Word. My friends and family said if i put my heart to it they felt it was very possible too, and that was my counsel’s approval. Last thing i needed was the peace of God.




In considering all these factors, i shouted out loud, “You know what God? I’m going to say… Yes!”




There was some relief in that i finally made a decision after such a long time in limbo. Then i looked out of the bathroom and everything fell into place. My room lights were off, but the opposite block was lighted up. And in the light i saw a silhouette that i had never seen before in my 4 years living in this house.

I looked to the right, the curtain had split, the light was shining through, the music in the background went, “You’re Awakening!” and i… felt peace.




Amen.






On hindsight:
It just amazes me. I would not have left the curtains the way it was if i wasn’t distracted by turning this song on at the right volume. I would not have been playing that song if not for all the struggle this week and just wanting to clear my head. I would not even be home on this day if not for swapping office duties to go for lunch with my ORDing friend. I would not have been able to swap duties if not for the break in the National Day Parade rehearsals. Somehow, God had all this prepared a long long time ago. All that was left for me to decide was if i wanted to seek his will.


So i’ve chosen the tougher path.
Every step from here is going to be a struggle,
But this life is too short to slack.
I’ll get my rest later.

Girls.

Sometimes it’s so hard to do the right thing; It’s so hard.
Sometimes all you have is the fact that it’s the right thing, and that’s just not good enough.
Sometimes you have to fall; You have to make the mistake of not doing the right thing because it is so much harder.
Sometimes that’s the only way to know that the harder but right way is always the better way.
Sometimes the only person that will know you did the right thing is you.
Sometimes I wish I don’t need to do the right thing.
But the wrong has already hurt so many.
Sometimes I wish it won’t be so hard to do the right thing.