Fear

I met my best friend before worship on Saturday. She’s someone I can be completely open with, and next to her it was painfully obvious that I was not completely healed.


The Guitarist had figured out the chords of “Faithful One” with amazing accuracy and the band managed to learn it in the long but comfortably paced practice.


I left the music stand and backup singers all the way upstage so the stage would look less cluttered. That gave me no room for error- and nothing stood between me and the youth. I was not ready, but time had run out. We began.


I felt better after worship. This was the first time I went in not feeling too good, but coming out encouraged. I normally go in feeling good. Yet even after being encouraged by God’s touch, I was not fully healed.


The Rainbow Girl and my hole in the wall continued to sms me at night.


Sunday morning, and I had lost almost all hope of recovery after these 12 days of confusion. I was even hoping that returning to camp might get me back… but that was not the answer. If I could not get myself right now… how can I do so later?


Worship began in church, and I began to talk to God again. And in my continuous soul searching, God slowly revealed what had kept me down. It was not the same as on Friday, no… this was something else. And with so many issues bothering me it was no matter why I was so messed up.


It was fear.


Fear. I thought I was afraid of the new environment and the new tougher culture. But the truth was that during Basic Military Training, there were times that I was pushed over the edge. The activities got so physically demanding that I just wanted to give up. And those few times, were so dreaded in my subconsciousness, that it made me fear going to command school.


The fear was debilitating, and it was stopping me from worshipping my God. Until I could see my God as bigger than the problem, I would not be able to worship him. So today, I lay my burden at the cross.

I’d like to say I’m back, but I’ve already said that. So today I’ll say… I can worship again. And that makes all the difference. So pray for me, as I enter another 9 weeks of training, just one step tougher.

The Swing of the Pendulum

My spirit was lifted for a while by my hole in the wall, but I had not gotten on the road to recovery yet. She had encouraged me and kept me going at this struggle, but I still had not the ability to win. I could not find the source of this problem. And as the 23rd continued to approach, my hope seemed to fade.


Friends were telling me how surprised they were that I could be so affected by something. I would agree, for when it came to worship leading especially, I was always on fire. But this time, this first time, I was in such a mess emotionally and spiritually that I just could not be. I was doing my quiet time, I was saying my prayers; but something was still wrong with my life. I wanted to stay home as much as I could, but even then I could not seek or find the answers I needed. My band was telling me how difficult the song “Faithful One” is to play and I began to feel overwhelmed. I cannot plan or lead worship until I can worship.


It was past midnight last night and I began to close messenger conversation windows. The last one was Tricia of the round table, and as I said goodbye she asked me if I was beginning to cry. I wasn’t, but that comment caught me; and I opened up a little. I felt I’ve changed. This destabilised state has been with me for so long that I’m beginning to think it’s normal to me. I can’t feel much; I’m distanced, desensitised and indifferent to all around me. Listening to old songs, I rediscover memories… I’m learning who I used to be… and realising how terribly… I have changed. So I told her exactly how I felt. How a force so strong has pushed me off balance.


The problem was not lacking the strength to push back. It was the fact that I did not know which direction the force was coming from. I did not know what it was that was knocking me over again and again.


army took you away.
army took that guardiangel i noe.
that guardiangel who always relied on God regardless of any force acting hard on him


Tricia’s statement stopped me short. No, that was not true. Army was an opposing force, but it was a very clear one. I stood up to it, I held my ground, and people knew I was different; they said so. I was fighting hard in army, but depending hard on God too. Then I realised what had messed me up so much.


It was the swing of the pendulum.


It’s the same as with India, just that I didn’t remember till now. I took 40 days back home after my 40 days in India to recover from the swing of the pendulum. And now after basic military training I was facing it again. When you’re in a difficult environment, and struggles are all around, you rely a lot on God. You have to in order to survive. And so you have a very close relationship with him. But once the opposition is removed, once you come home, once you breathe the free air- you don’t need to depend on God so much. And chances are, without the necessity, you won’t.


I didn’t.


And with that sorted out, my heart was right again, and the terrible burden was lifted off my back. Sometimes I don’t understand how God works. I don’t understand how in just realising what the problem is I can be healed, while no amount of struggling will do when I know not the problem. But one thing I know. He has rescued me from the hole I was in, and I can feel it- I’m back.

Let’s go save the world.

True Anticipation

After what happened 2 nights ago I’m reminded of how my hole in the wall played such a huge role in almost all my major accounts that took place in the year 2005. But because I only started blogging at the end of that year, little has been stated about this most interesting character here. In due time I shall put those memories into words, for some of those stories deserve to be remembered. For now, this is a part of my journal, dated 10th September 2005. The writing style is different from the way I write now; I intentionally left it unchanged so this is almost exactly what I wrote back then.


(10/9 Saturday)

I really thought that nothing could get me on track again. I was rather behind in my work and maybe even slacking. But well... God sent help.


Last night we had Bible study in Church. The chairman of the youth committee had sent out an e-mail previously about some Presbytery youth leader's forum. It's basically for the youth leaders from different Presbyterian churches to come together and work as a Church on problems facing our youth. I found that out only later because I did not really bother to read the e-mail. It was the second last day of the school holidays and I was very behind in my work. I told the chairman I was not going. Later on I found out all of us were not going.


I actually hoped at least one of us could represent our church, because I really believe in working with other churches to help our youth. If I become chairman that would be the focus of my time as head. Only our guitarist could go. But he did not want to go alone. Argh! So our chairman told our teacher we were not sending anyone.


On the way home I got an sms. And man was I screaming and convulsing in the car. Mom shouted at me not to. I was just caught in such a dilemma. My sister asked me who it was and when I told her she said, "somehow I knew". My hole in the wall was going for the youth forum and asked me if I was! Mom immediately said she did not want me to go. Argh!


I just leaned the car seat back and felt super stressed. What was I to do? It took some time before I calmed down. I then analyzed the situation and managed to sort everything out. I would sleep early now, finish biology in the morning, go in the afternoon, and come home at night to do chemistry. Math complete on Sunday with help from a friend. It can be done, I thought, especially with such an incentive.


I have been mentored by my hole in the wall unofficially for almost a year, almost without ever seeing her in person. She taught me everything I now know about worship leading... By example; Leading a worshipful life, she was really what I aspired to become. At the previous 2 Presbyterian events, one of us was always unable to go. And once when she was waiting outside my school for a bus, I received her message too late. So this was finally my chance to see her. And I was not going to pass on it.


I gave my mom my proposal and got a hesitant yes- but a yes nonetheless. We just learned about honoring our parents and I was not going to do something if she says no. I then called the youth chairman, replied my hole in the wall and went on MSN to contact the guitarist. He could not come even then, but that was ok. My hole in the wall was online.


When I finally got to her online, she had just received my sms. I told her I originally did not want to go until she asked me to, and also that we're finally getting to meet after almost a year. And she answered in the sweetest way anyone ever has. She said she would come and meet me around my home so we can go together. I mean... No one ever has! Haha... Ok… She lives not too far from here, and the train from my house is a fast way to the city. But even then, I really appreciated that... So we arranged to meet at 11 at the train station. And I asked her to bring a camera. Well... I slept rather late... Not good... I feared I would not have the discipline to wake. I set the alarm to 9.30am and slept at 1am. For the past few nights I only woke after 9 hours of sleep.


I woke automatically around 8am. How cool is that? Haha... The excitement must have helped, but I was not rested enough yet. I slept till about 9 before getting out of bed. First up at home, I was filled with energy and well... Finished my Biology essay! That was really cool. Then I got ready. At 10:10 I smsed her and reminded her to bring her camera. She just woke up. Haha, when I had left the conversation last night, she still remained online. A while later, she sent an sms saying no bus yet. I knew she would not be there by 11. So I decided to take my time and try to catch the bus she was on. The moment she said she was on the highway I knew it was time. Left the house with such anticipation...


I kept looking down the road as I walked to the bus stop, imagining the bus coming round the corner just down the road. It seemed like the nicest day though the sun was making me start to sweat. I reached the bus stop and tried to sit down... but could not. I was too hyped up! I started walking a distance from the bus stop, in hope of seeing the bus even before it came behind these blocks of flats that was blocking my view of what lied behind the corner. The anticipation was really killing! I received an sms from her, saying sorry and hoping l was not angry at her for being late. I was waiting for this bus so that I would not just tell her it's ok, but show her too. I would be as late as she was! I had just replied when I saw the bus coming round the corner.


I believed it was finally here and got to the bus stop again. Just before flagging the bus, I noticed the bus number. Argh. I really believed it was the bus... and I sat back down again. I think people were surprised; Most were looking at me for a moment before they boarded because from here, all the buses go the same way and end up at the bus and train station. The bus took off and I sat back down... And the waiting continued...


I thought it would make such a nice entry if I took these thoughts and emotions down. So l took out my phone and with the voice recorder function, recorded some of my feelings. Another bus came round the corner. From the old design I knew for sure this was the bus of the correct number. And I just knew this was definitely the bus I was waiting for; The bus she was on.


Stopping the recording, I flagged the bus down and boarded alone. The bus was almost empty. I walked down the rows, and there, sitting at the right corner of the last row, hidden behind several rows of higher seats, was my hole in the wall.


The moment she saw me, she looked away, almost laughing and then just shook her head with a smile.


And reading this entry from 2 years back, I can’t help smiling too.

Refreshment

The cool, cool drops of water land on my face as I look up
The refreshing water runs over my closed eyes
I take a deep breath and heave a sigh of relief
Refreshment has come
At long last


After finishing my basic military training, I got a week and a half off. But due to a new rule, I could not go overseas. The family vacation had already been planned, so with no other choice, they took off, leaving me behind.


On the second night alone I began to feel disoriented. The army life had taught me not to hold on to anything emotionally because it could be taken away from me at any time. From snacks to sleeping time, I became less and less emotionally attached to anything and soon, anyone. Distanced; that’s how I felt. I was supposed to have finished my worship plan the day before, but in this emotionless state, I could not do it. (This state has also kept me from being able to express myself in words, and thus my blog has hardly seen any updating since army began.)


On the third night things got worst. We’re always running around in the army, and so my adrenaline levels are perpetually up all day, and even at night. Stuck at home, my adrenaline was still instinctively pumping. Now I not just couldn’t feel emotions, I could not even think straight. There was no way I could plan out my worship leading.


I’m glad I was alone at home, because I spent a good amount of time talking to myself in the dark toilet, trying to figure out what God would say to me according to what I knew of him. When I came out into the light I didn’t feel much better, but God gave me enough head to plan the session.


The last time I lead, I was feeling down and depressed and chose songs that reflected that. Amazingly once I finished planning then, God sent my dad to lift me out of the gloom. And as the day of leading approached I noticed how many other youth were moving toward depression. So I felt God had put me in that state for the sake of the youth. Maybe he meant for the same now.


So I planned out a more emotionless worship session. Instead on relying on music and vocals to make the worship session more conducive, I looked for words. More contemporary songs are very general in their praise of God, but that allows for more emotional and personal worship. On the other hand, the more hymn like tunes are rich in their words used to praise God, though you may not feel as free to express your emotions in your own way. Being in this desensitised state, I picked more of the second, and included some contemporary pieces that the youth were very familiar with, hoping that familiarity would bring back memory of previous more intimate times in worship. Would all this work? I really do not know. My reasons sound very desperate, and that is not far from the truth.


So the worship plan was done and the e-mail sent out, but I was still feeling so lost. Then, though it was way past midnight, my hole in the wall came online. Ever since the closure of 2005, I hardly saw or talked to her on MSN. But this time, I felt I needed to. And as I spoke to her, I realised what it was that I really wanted now- I wanted to feel again.


A few weeks back I met her and as we talked we realised how similar our present situation was, at the crossroads of our lives, needing to decide which university course to pursue, and in turn set the direction for the rest of our lives. But even then I felt distanced from her; emotionally detached.


Today, it wasn’t a happy and cheerful hole in the wall that I found, but one who was broken, who was tired, and who was in a similar situation as me. We were both worship leading soon, we both hadn’t in a long time and were having trouble. I didn’t feel so alone any more.


And as she spoke, her words were neither expected nor conceivable, for the girl who had the biggest influence in my life was saying I was a big encouragement to her. The girl who inspired me to do so much more for Christ said I made her want to do more for Christ. The girl whom I had looked up to so much was now looking up to me too.


I began to tear
I began to cry
I began to feel


The song “None but Jesus” played in the background. God had put it in my head a long time back, but I didn’t remember the title till now. And as it played and as she wrote online, I knew God spoke to me. Amazingly, that song was stuck in her head too, especially during her previous mission trip. One coincidence too many, and one feeling too much. I felt the way I did so very often in 2005 when she was my mentor; I felt God was speaking to me through her. And as the memory returned… I could feel again.


By the end of the conversation, both of us were in tears. Before this conversation, I didn’t know what I was feeling and I was frustrated. After the conversation, I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I was at peace.


There is a certain beauty in the way God works
There is a certain beauty in weakness
There is a certain beauty in the way God uses weakness
To raise us from our lowest


I always thought you have to be out of the hole to put someone else out. But today, two people in the hole finding each other was enough to keep them both from dying out.


Guess what, it started to drizzle. Pathetic fallacy. Refreshment has come.


PS: I lead worship on the 23rd of this month. Do keep my team and I in prayer.