Holding a Light

Last Saturday I went out with a friend. As we walked past a row of shops, one window caught my eye and we stopped. The entire display was full of rich colours and patterns- Zippo lighters, a whole wall of them.


The designs were so varying and creative, from the wings and blue chrome on the Harley Davidson models to the artwork on the limited editions. Yet even among the beauties in this technicoloured mosaic, one lighter managed to stand out.


Thick vertical stripes- dark purple, black and white- lined this one in such eye catching contrast. It was vivid, and boy was it gorgeous.


But… wasn’t there another lighter I had wanted all along?


Since the time I first took an interest in lighters a few years back, there has been one particular design that I have liked. Simple, almost to the extent of being plain, but beautiful to me. Dad had gone to Hong Kong to get one for me, but came back with a Zippo of the wrong design. I still took care of it, but it went missing in my JC days. Since then, a few others have given me lighters- from the really stylish to the blowtorches- but that simple standard one has always been at the back of my mind.


So why didn’t I just get it?


If you wait that long for something, it means more to you than its face value. Buying it myself on a normal day would cheapen its significance. So I await the right time, as long as that may take.


But now… That simple model there at the top right corner of the shelf looked so… standard. It was placed with the range of lighters you could call plain, and with this vivid new one staring at me, the old one seemed to have lost it’s place at the back of my mind for a moment.


So here was the dilemma. To hold on to the one I had waited for, or to set my sights on this newer one. The older one was a standard model that never went out of production but this new one was a limited edition model- it would soon be gone. The old one was cheaper, but the newer was worth more. The old was simple, the new was beautiful but controversial- it had a big white playboy bunny on it. The new was an impulsive want, the old was a considered decision. Did I wait this long for the old one just to be sure it was the one I wanted? Maybe, but now that I see a nicer one, does it mean I let go of the old?


A shifting dilemma in the middle of the shop with my friend staring at me. With too much confusion on my mind, I left the shop in a hurry.


I wonder… if you understand what I’m really talking about.

Shit Happens, Miracles Happen

I had actually spent a big part of yesterday typing out a dramatic even that happened on Friday. I posted the incomplete post using a computer outside, came home and took it down to continue working. During the process i plugged in my ipod and the com hanged. So if you got to read half of it last night, well you read something no one else in the world would have seen or ever will see. Oh wait i managed to recover it. Haha, here goes:


I was going for the selections for the lifesaver course. I was going to be trained as a lifeguard. I was really looking forward to this.


From the moment i heard about this course i wanted it. It was useful, meaningful, and looked awfully good on my resume that needed quite some boosting. Once there was an opening i made sure my superiors signed me up.


Was i a good swimmer? They asked.
I can swim 10 meters with a life jacket on, I replied.
Vertically.


I've been snorkeling since i was a boy, being in the open sea much more than anyone else. Though i initially had a fear of the sea and the unknown, i soon overcame it and became a strong swimmer, preferring to go without the life jacket in more open waters just so i could free dive. I really wanted this.


So here i was at the swimming pool for the selection. Breast stroke, freestyle, backstroke. 3 consecutive laps. People were already looking worried and asked me if i thought i could make it. I humbly said "should be" and withdrew from the group.


I wrote my name down and went to the briefing. The briefing was almost done when i joined in, but it didn't matter, the tester was just going through the same points. Did you do your warm ups... how many laps to swim... I had already did a run in the morning and stretching prior to this, and though my body felt some strain from the previous day's gym session, i shrugged it off and hit the pool.


First detail, first lane.


The tester flagged us off and i pulled ahead. Breast stroke was my strongest stroke and i swam on, kicking and pulling hard. Past the halfway point i looked around. I was second out of the 10. I pushed harder. Turning point and transit to freestyle.


Freestyle was tough! I was never strong in this and now after pushing so hard for the breast stroke i was exhausted! But as i came up for breath after every single pull my tilted head would face the other 70 guys hoping to get in to this course by the pool. I was gasping for breath, but after all that i had been through in army, i was not about to give up. I really wanted this.


Backstroke next and i kicked and kicked. 50 meters never seemed so long. I didn't have the technique to do this. I looked back, but the end was not there yet. I looked again, yet it was still out of sight. I swam and i swam, before rather suddenly i found my back to the wall.


I pulled myself out and tried not to look like i just fought for my life. The 6 whose names i have marked down stand here, the tester said. He hadn't marked down mine yet. The rest... you can fall out.


First detail. First lane. First reject.


I was in the changing room alone, more in shock than anything else.I was back in my t-shirt and shorts by the pool before many of the rest even swam, and i avoided their gaze.


One other guy who didn't make it said he was offered a second try after everyone was done. I considered.


After all I’ve been through, I was not here to give up. I changed back into the trunks and waited by the poolside. One of the guys here who knew my face found me rather weird changing so many times. But I didn’t care. I was back in the pool and i was giving it my all and i thought i did okay but i didn’t.


This is like my mentality when trying for the medical course in the university. Just keep trying till the door completely shuts. And just as with this case, it's been closed on me twice.


I was deeply disappointed. Not so much because i didn't get in, but because i was so proud and thought so highly of myself. I was so disappointed with my own pride. It had been the cause of my struggle to lead my men, and just when i thought i had overcome it, this happened.


So that was my story. Watch yourself.


In other news, the song of this week is "Southbound Train" by Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot who does EPs without his band. It's a song about going home. More specifically, the train that takes one home. It's just a train, but to the man longing so much for home, it's the world. As i booked out of camp and was riding on the train this tune was playing and a thought occured to me. Boy do i look forward to the day this war is finally over. I'm not wishing for it to come faster, no, we still need to win the battle, and i still need to live victoriously, if not i'll be going home with my head to the ground. But i look forward to the day when the war is won, when i've done my part and am proud that i have, and i take that plane to the place that i call home.


I'm going to try and find my father.


But till then there are still mountains and valleys to cross, and that dream is still hidden far behind the challenges ahead. But at least i have that dream, and that helps to keep me fighting. My Southbound Train.