And on the stone written:

GuardiAngel

17 March 2003 - 18 October 2009

Dress

What is a dress?

A dress is just a dress?

No.

A dress seems to be the ultimate symbol of a woman.

It's also the most obvious gender stereotype of all.

The most simplistic figure of a woman is in a dress. (See toilet signs)

But a dress is just fabric.

The idea that a dress is for women is just a social construct.

It's merely an idea.

It's just another enforcement of gender stereotypes.

It makes us think that men and women are of different value.

It is the foundation for discrimination.

And it's things like this that make it impossible for gender equality.

I've been studying sociology quite hard.

I realise i've been feminist all my life.

And i really truly believe women and men should be seen as equal.

So down with gender stereotypes of a woman staying at home and a man going out to work. It doesn't always have to be this way so let's stop enforcing it. Down with all gender stereotypes for that matter! It must start with me.

I went through my sister's wardrobe, nearly suffocated trying on my mom's tight evening gown, and thus borrowed a yellow dress from Kimberly that i'll wear in school on Wednesday.

Because in a truly egalitarian society, when genders are no longer stereotyped and discriminated, men will wear dresses.

This is a True Account

Today tens of people came to my church.

But they did not know what happened last night.

Tomorrow hundreds of people will go to my church.

But they will not know the price paid for them to be able to.

They do not know of the fire that threatened to burn the church down.

They will not know of the 7 who desperately fought the fire on Friday night.

It will seem like a normal Sunday, like nothing has or will ever happen.

We will take things for granted. It all seems so routine.

How great are the battles fought in secret for the survival of the church.

How huge the sacrifices heroes have made to keep the church intact.

We don't know it, we take it for granted.

Some of us in church might even wonder if God exist.

But just because we didn't know it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.

We came this close to losing our church building this weekend.

Angst

I am not emo.

I have never been emo.

I look emo, i let myself look emo, but it's just a cover.

I am angsty. I am frustrated. I am tired.

I just want to go home okay?

Tomorrow after church and work, i'm going somewhere i can really be alone.

I'm a loose cannon, and i don't want to talk to any of you when i'm angsty.

I don't want to say something i'll regret.

So i'm going into the dark.

Don't follow me.

Streams of consciousness don't have fullstops

I got 9.5 out of 10 for my statistics assignment. I was sad.

I got 40/100 for my theatre assignment. I was overjoyed.

Walked past a crying caucasian girl in school like everyone else.

Then i stopped. And went back.

There's this show. Boy grows up with foster parents not knowing his destiny. One day he meets an old man who presents to him an awesome weapon to seek his destiny but he hesitates. He returns home to find his parents killed. He takes on the path he was born for. Tell me, why does Richard Cypher from Legend of the Seeker sound like Luke Skywalker?

Mom will be in church tomorrow. I'm selling advertising space on her arm cast at 10 dollars per square inch. But 3 get one free. Limited offers, contact early.

Crash and Burn

I suddenly feel rebellious.

I feel like questioning authority.

I feel angst and angry.

Never really felt like this before...

You know what that means?!

Yeah!

I've finally hit the stage of growth known as adolescence!

Better late than never i guess. Anyway, i came home last night past midnight, and i didn't even tell my mommy what time i was getting home! Ha take that authority figure! I'm doing whatever i want from now!

But that was yesterday. Today, after pulling that stunt last night, i got an sms from dad that mom fell and he's taking her to the A&E. Ok now i feel guilty.

So coming home,

i washed the water bottles,

ironed the clothes,

flipped the socks that had just been washed

and helped my mom around.

And thus transited from adolescence to maturity in one day. Yay?

Don't worry about mom by the way. She's quite okay.

If anyone should worry about her it'll be my sister.

Family and Friends

The day started with 2 very strange individuals sharing an umbrella in the rain downstairs. A guy and a girl, a pair of siblings, of the infamous clan of the Huis. This would be a day riddled with nonsensical nonsense and quotable quotes from the 2 and their parents.

Justin: My arm is getting wet. Maybe I should not leave it outside the umbrella.

A little later...

Marianne: I'm getting wet.

Justin: Then take out your umbrella.

-Intermission-

I woke up on wednesday feeling something moving on my right foot.

It was not human.

I realised Jon Ma had released his hamster from it's cage,

and it was now crawling up my leg towards my shorts...

-Intermission Over-

Doulos, the oldest sea-going passenger liner with the largest floating book-fair, was nice. We saw books of every kind to suit every need.

There was stuff Marianne liked...

There was stuff JueYing liked...

There was even stuff mom liked!

Yes.

Daddy found a book that stated the obvious.

The book he really needed was actually this one...

That would have saved them much agony. But it was too little too late. Everything was too little too late...

Oh Doulos where were you when we needed all these books!

-Intermission-

On Friday night I put my basic Nerf dart blaster in Valerie's hands and in her first shot she took a bottle off the church pews to my surprise (and to the horror of her husband Pastor Josh). Her next shot landed squarely on target, her husband, and from then on it was all downhill. All those years of pent up frustration came flying out of the toy gun in the form of 6 lethal foam darts.

She asked me how much i bought the blaster for. I fear for Pastor Josh. Now that i have empowered women, i wonder if i did the right thing. But oh what's 6 foam darts from my tiny launcher compared to all the oppression that women have had from men over history anyway.

Went to toys'r'us today. Horror of Horrors.

Mankind, oh what have i done!

-Intermission Over-

Saw this little girl at the gangway of the ship. She was sizing me up man!

So adorable! That's her momma by the way. On a christian ship like the Doulos with people from all over the world with a common heart for Jesus, you really don't see racial lines. And that... is cool.

Shopping at vivo was tiring.

We waited for an hour at the Singtel shop as mom chose her phone. Dad said she should stop asking questions and just buy. We said it's her birthday let her ask all she wants.

Dad: But... she's losing friends.

Chapter I

Rade was a young man who lived in the village of Kapech. In a country plagued by conflicts and wars, a village like Kapech was a sanctuary, being hidden well within the forest and far away from the battle-plagued fields and bloodied city walls. The peaceful nature of the town was such a stark contrast to the outside lands that its residents could be easily mislead into thinking that the tales of war and danger were much further than they really were.

One might imagine that living in such a privileged position would cause its residents to have a sense of apathy towards matters concerning their country beyond their forest boarders, yet nothing could be further from the truth. Other than a few exceptions, the general population was rather prepared for warfare and was ready to defend their village- none more so than Rade.

Rade was a young man and a good fighter, by the standards of his village at least. He had a beautifully crafted suit of armor of blue and gold, made painstakingly by the hands of his parents who had spent most of their lives outside of Kapech. They knew the nature of the war-torn lands and thus created a suit of armor made for more than just the occasional skirmishes with an intruder or raiding party that entered their forest realm. None the less, in events of enemy intrusions (which were taken very seriously in Kapech) Rade rested not in the protection of his armor but fought bravely in defense of his village and had helped to keep it safe all this time.

Rade's basic fighting skills picked up over the years served him well in such a protected and safe environment where the enemies were few and far between. Yet in his heart Rade felt that he was a warrior meant for much bigger battles, as his armor was made for. For he knew that as long as he stayed in this sanctuary, far from harm and danger and the cares of the rest of the country, he would never become the warrior he wanted to be.

Stepping out of heaven into hell was not something anyone does on a whim of a fancy. Rade had been thinking about it for a long time, his heart burning within him to bring his blue blade into the battles that mattered, yet the kindling passion still needed a gentle nudge to act on. This finally came much later in the form of a cry for aid from a village just outside the forest. Rade donned his armor, strapped on his blade and for the first time in his life, stepped out of Kepech and into the bigger world.

Sanguine

This is an important post to me.

When i was much younger i took a personality test.

The result showed that i was an influencer and sanguine.

I agreed.

But i did not know exactly what sanguine was.

Sanguine is a colour. I thought it was like cyan. Blue-green, turquoise.

It's peaceful. Sanguine sounds so peaceful anyway.

So in everything i did from then i was always more passive, because i thought i was.

But sanguine is not cyan, and sanguine is not peaceful.

I was told i was something i was not,

I believed i was something i was not,

I acted like something i was not,

I became something i was not.

Sanguine...

Is actually the colour of blood.

And it does not get more passionate than that.

I was Sanguine.

But after acting cyan for so long,

I am sanguine no more.

But this leads to the question.

What really matters?

Knowing who you are now?

Or knowing what you want to be, and believing it?

Drive me up the wall

While waiting for my driving session to start, i took the liberty to sit in the air conditioned waiting area meant for people enrolling for lessons. Woman next to me asked a few questions, then inquired.

Are you from Singapore?

Yes.

You sound like you're Indonesian.

No way.

So you're malay?

I didn't know i changed that much after a relationship.

So i got into the driver's seat and screwed up the first 97 minutes of my 100 minute lesson. It looked more like i was playing bumper cars than driving. My instructor got frustrated, no surprise there. Finally he said...

Forget everything i told you. Just stop thinking and drive.

So i tried it and for the last 3 minutes did perfectly.

You playing with me right? 97 minutes you could not drive, then last 3 minutes do everything perfectly, i don't know if i can pass you for this lesson or not!

Well so some part of me hasn't changed since the relationship. Heh. Exterior change only. But significant cross cultural exterior change.

But come to think of it (yes i know i think too much but this is my blog! I'm supposed to think here!) how in the world does British influence on a Chinese boy turn him into an Indonesian Malay?

Pane

Horror of horrors, this morning after careful checks, i found out that evil Footrot is back.

Somewhere between Dettol having 10 times more protection than ordinary soaps and Shokubutsu Anti-Bacterial body wash is a lie.

I was running towards a water dispenser today. Didn't notice the puddle of water around it. Slipped. Tried to brake with my foot. It contacted the sharp metal corner.

My skin was thick on my foot, it did not break. But i was bleeding under my skin.

Playing with the paper measuring tape from IKEA today. Went to wash my hands. Running water revealed a paper cut on my fingers to my pain receptors.

I wore a shirt that was colourful enough to stand out even among arts students today. Can't remember if it was Yinhong or Bernice who bought this shirt with me on my first shopping adventure at Bugis street.

What's going on. PsyJ would want to say it's a cry for attention, but i won't let him say it. Yinhong says physical pain activates the same neural pathways as emotional pain. I don't know what to say. I have never asked for help before.

The Things People Say

I was in pain yesterday at worship practice. The band noticed. But i didn't tell them.

I was in pain over dinner. Chris and Huiqi noticed and asked. But i didn't tell them.

I was in pain at home. Mom and Marianne didn't notice, but i told them.

It was a kind of pain i could not tell people about easily.

We called the doctor.

Just a muscle strain thankfully.

Weird location though.

Told Jon Ma my best friend about it. His reply?

Hahahahahahaha!

Mom, I'm feeling lonely, i'm feeling emo, i'm sad. I remember when i last felt this way, i bought a fighting fish, and i was never alone for as long as it lived. Mom, can i buy another fighting fish?

No.

My aunt asked what i'm studying now. Psychology, i replied. I have not seen so much horror on a person's face before.

I don't want to visit you next time!

Maybe she watches The Mentalist too much.

Give me a ring

Act 5, Scene 7

2 white, single-seater sofa chairs on stage facing the audience. Coffee table in between the chairs.

Girl enters just before Guy from stage right.

Guy: Sit down.

Girl sits on the sofa chair closest to her.

Guy: No, sit here. (motions to other sofa chair)

Girl changes sofa chair. Guy is holding something behind his back. Guy stands in front of Girl once she has sat down.

Girl: You are NOT getting down on one knee!

Guy brings his hands to the front, revealing a ring box.

Guy: I bought something for you...

Girl: Why me? Keep it for someone else...

Guy opens ring box to show her the ring.

Girl: Oh wow! That IS beautiful.

Guy: (taking the ring out of the box) This is for you.

Girl: No.

Guy holds the ring in front of her.

Girl: I cannot accept this.

Long pause.

Breakup Counseling 1101

Basic do's and don'ts when you find out your friend has gone through a break up.

1. When you see your friend, do acknowledge that you are aware of his/her situation. The last thing your friend needs now is awkwardness from you.

2. The first question should not be "why did you break up", but "how are you?" Your friend may not know why the other party initiated the break up, and being reminded of that makes it worst, especially if you're not his/her only friend. So put the question about the person before the one about the problem. Your friend's answer to the "how are you?" question should also give you an indicator as to what question to ask next, if you decide to at all.

3. Don't make assumptions before your friend can even explain (Please don't jump to conclusions before clearing step 1 and 2). Don't immediately assume it's the other party's fault. Give your friend a chance to explain, and the silence to do so. You can clarify your theories after step 1 and 2 if the friend is still stable.

-

For those of you who need explanations, summaries and interpretations,

Sarah is the Girl.

I am the Guy.

Sarah is now wearing the ring i gave her.

It's a toe ring.

We broke up today.

Apply what your learnt today in Breakup Counseling 1101.

Shared Materiality

press press

soap soap

lather

thin layer

slippery bubbles

on my hands

i reach for the tap

but stop.

Opening my palms

Looking at my hands

pause.