Real Fear

I was in Cebu for a holiday on the 29th of December 2006. My family had just finished dinner at our beach resort room and I headed out to the beach to take a look at the stars. My sister and I had a brief peek at them before dinner when the sky was still clear.


But now it was cloudy.
Not a single star was in sight.


I moved closer to the shore and stood at the top corner of a low embankment looking at the sea.
It was night. And it was dark.
Something in me is attracted to such an overwhelming scene. As I saw the dark clouds and dark water, I began to feel uneasy.


"This is what I call real fear."


The voice that had almost instantly broken the sense of awe that I had at this larger than life scene was that of Lyn, my little god-sister whom we brought along for this trip.


"This is not fake fear, like if you are afraid of ghost. This is real fear."


I realised then that phobias are personal fears that people have. I may be afraid of something that you am not- that's a phobia confined to an individual. But the uneasiness I felt while facing this awesome scene was also felt by my god-sister. That's what she calls real fear- It's something universal.


I looked again at the scene. The sky was cloudy and intimidating. The heavy storm clouds were gathering and I was expecting a bolt of lightning anytime. The black outline of the palm trees were being thrown around by the wind. The sea was dark in the distance, and closer to shore the white lines of waves were crashing on the sand just beneath the embankment. I was standing at the edge of the ledge, just a short distance above the wrath. Once again, I felt that uneasiness in my heart and


"You know if someone really wanted to commit suicide I would ask them to walk into the sea instead of jumping off a building."


I tried in vain to put the pause button on my overwhelmed emotions before turning to put an arm around her.


"If they jump off a building they only take one step and then they cannot change their mind. If they go into the sea and change their mind at least they can swim back."


Point taken. This little girl is thinking beyond her age, and somehow she reminds me of how I used to think a lot... and I still do... since I had a large amount of time that I spent alone. I felt a drop of rain land on my lip and asked Lyn to bring the chair back under shelter.


I then went down to the sand and stood before the waves. It was here before the formidable scene, now with the addition of rain, that I truly understood what it meant to have the fear of the Lord. If the majesty and power in his creation alone can make man tremble, what more the Lord God himself? As much as I know him as a loving God, there is a certain sense of awe and respect that I should always have- The Fear of The Lord that I should always be conscious of.


then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.
-Proverbs 2:5


Then as a wing enfolded me so I felt both comfort and awesome respect at the same time, my heart was moved by the truly sublime experience to sing,
When the oceans rise
And thunders roar
I will soar with you
Above the storm
Father you are


"You look like you are going to commit suicide"


You know, my Lord... You really like to remind me that you are the creator of this little thing called humor.



On a side note, while walking back to the room, I realized that this little cowardly girl dared to come into the open facing the elements because of only one thing- Someone else she could trust dared to. And that subconscious influence that an older someone has on a child… is something not to be taken lightly.


But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
-Matthew 18:6

Ten

It’s been 10 entries and only 10 people have been told my blog address thus far. An entire year has passed and I think it’s about time to share my stories with the world.


This is my Christmas Gift to you.
It took a year to make,
And I do hope you like it.


I started off writing as this character because I felt it described simply what I wanted to become. Yet in helping people to find themselves… I found myself too. I changed… I realised things… and I began to see how I should not try to be a GuardiAngel, but instead just be one. The difference is that the first focuses on doing things that would make you seem like an Angel, like saving the world, while the second just focuses on God- and everything from there falls into place.


For too long have I felt that it was God who helped me save the world instead of me who helped him save his world.


That may be a minor detail to you, but it’s a major realisation to me.


You see…
I once thought that I had a pair of wings.
I could do anything I wanted with them on.


But now I know…
It may look like I own a free flapping wing on my right,
But looking to the left you’ll see that I’m just a part of a bigger wing.


I am merely part of the Body of Christ.


And I like the warmth and protection here.



This coming year is going to be different.
I am going to be different.
And GuardiAngel is going to be different.

Broken Wings

On the 4th of November I had dinner with a group of friends at a rather run down canteen. Though there were several others whom I knew in the area, only these 3 came for dinner with me. The dinner was not a planned one and neither was the company, but I now know that God had intend for this group to meet. He had sent his angels to help me recover from a painful week.


The Knights of the Round Table
Sitting on my left was The Rainbow Girl. She had been by my side through this week and knew what I was going through. But more than that, she knew where I was coming from.


Opposite me was Tricia, another whom I was talking to and helping. She understood too because she had seen this side of me.


On my right was Theresa. She was actually the one I followed in the "Angel in the Night" entry. Since then, I found out that she was an angel in her own right; helping many others deal with their emotional burdens, including myself. I thank God for letting me find someone who not just understood where I was coming from, but also who I really am, because she... was like me; like how she knew how lonely it was being the pillar of strength for the people around.


The last person at the round table was me, an Angel wannabe with broken wings who felt no one knew the pain he was going through.


I was in good company.


The week for me had been tough as I felt the things my friends were saying to me were hurtful. It was not that they intended to hurt me; no, they are nice people, but the words they used belittled me and made me feel small. Everything I did or said was made fun of, and that made me withdraw when with the group. I began to feel different; The kind of different that people avoid.


I am different. And I know it. I was challenged by one of the adult helpers at youth to "be radically different", and I took it up. But being different meant that people could very easily misunderstand me. In the case of my helping people, especially girls, by talking to them, it was read by others as me coming on too strong in trying to "get the girl". I guess it didn't help when my friend asked if I think of a girl as a challenge I said yes. Winning the challenge to me was not winning over the girl, but breaking through with her so that she can share her problems with me and I in turn can help her find the help she needs. And I'm even more careful when it comes to counseling girls because when emotions are involved, it is a more dangerous situation to be in. So I'm actually playing a different game with different rules. Not many know that, thus my enthusiasm to ''save the world" sometimes makes me seem like a way off Casanova wannabe. And that... (along with, of course, my very different character) I felt was getting me teased.


It's amazing how just a few words can break someone. When the rest stop laughing you know that the teasing is getting a little overdone. And soon after, even the most innocent of jokes begins to tear away at someone. A week this way had worn away all my resolve and broken my confidence.


Thank God for good company. I wasn't the only one at the round table who had been hurt before in this way. As I shared my pain, the others began to open up about how they each faced discrimination and teasing in their own lives. Suddenly I didn't feel alone any more.


Ironic how our greatest pain often comes from our unknowing friends.


For the first time in a long time I was encouraged by my friends to be different, and my strength was finally recovered. It's not true that we can stand alone. When I was broken by others, I could not worship. And it took a few of God's angels to answer my prayer to save me and bring me back to him.


Never underestimate how God can use you to minister to others. And never underestimate how God can use others to minister to you.