Fear

I met my best friend before worship on Saturday. She’s someone I can be completely open with, and next to her it was painfully obvious that I was not completely healed.


The Guitarist had figured out the chords of “Faithful One” with amazing accuracy and the band managed to learn it in the long but comfortably paced practice.


I left the music stand and backup singers all the way upstage so the stage would look less cluttered. That gave me no room for error- and nothing stood between me and the youth. I was not ready, but time had run out. We began.


I felt better after worship. This was the first time I went in not feeling too good, but coming out encouraged. I normally go in feeling good. Yet even after being encouraged by God’s touch, I was not fully healed.


The Rainbow Girl and my hole in the wall continued to sms me at night.


Sunday morning, and I had lost almost all hope of recovery after these 12 days of confusion. I was even hoping that returning to camp might get me back… but that was not the answer. If I could not get myself right now… how can I do so later?


Worship began in church, and I began to talk to God again. And in my continuous soul searching, God slowly revealed what had kept me down. It was not the same as on Friday, no… this was something else. And with so many issues bothering me it was no matter why I was so messed up.


It was fear.


Fear. I thought I was afraid of the new environment and the new tougher culture. But the truth was that during Basic Military Training, there were times that I was pushed over the edge. The activities got so physically demanding that I just wanted to give up. And those few times, were so dreaded in my subconsciousness, that it made me fear going to command school.


The fear was debilitating, and it was stopping me from worshipping my God. Until I could see my God as bigger than the problem, I would not be able to worship him. So today, I lay my burden at the cross.

I’d like to say I’m back, but I’ve already said that. So today I’ll say… I can worship again. And that makes all the difference. So pray for me, as I enter another 9 weeks of training, just one step tougher.