The Swing of the Pendulum

My spirit was lifted for a while by my hole in the wall, but I had not gotten on the road to recovery yet. She had encouraged me and kept me going at this struggle, but I still had not the ability to win. I could not find the source of this problem. And as the 23rd continued to approach, my hope seemed to fade.


Friends were telling me how surprised they were that I could be so affected by something. I would agree, for when it came to worship leading especially, I was always on fire. But this time, this first time, I was in such a mess emotionally and spiritually that I just could not be. I was doing my quiet time, I was saying my prayers; but something was still wrong with my life. I wanted to stay home as much as I could, but even then I could not seek or find the answers I needed. My band was telling me how difficult the song “Faithful One” is to play and I began to feel overwhelmed. I cannot plan or lead worship until I can worship.


It was past midnight last night and I began to close messenger conversation windows. The last one was Tricia of the round table, and as I said goodbye she asked me if I was beginning to cry. I wasn’t, but that comment caught me; and I opened up a little. I felt I’ve changed. This destabilised state has been with me for so long that I’m beginning to think it’s normal to me. I can’t feel much; I’m distanced, desensitised and indifferent to all around me. Listening to old songs, I rediscover memories… I’m learning who I used to be… and realising how terribly… I have changed. So I told her exactly how I felt. How a force so strong has pushed me off balance.


The problem was not lacking the strength to push back. It was the fact that I did not know which direction the force was coming from. I did not know what it was that was knocking me over again and again.


army took you away.
army took that guardiangel i noe.
that guardiangel who always relied on God regardless of any force acting hard on him


Tricia’s statement stopped me short. No, that was not true. Army was an opposing force, but it was a very clear one. I stood up to it, I held my ground, and people knew I was different; they said so. I was fighting hard in army, but depending hard on God too. Then I realised what had messed me up so much.


It was the swing of the pendulum.


It’s the same as with India, just that I didn’t remember till now. I took 40 days back home after my 40 days in India to recover from the swing of the pendulum. And now after basic military training I was facing it again. When you’re in a difficult environment, and struggles are all around, you rely a lot on God. You have to in order to survive. And so you have a very close relationship with him. But once the opposition is removed, once you come home, once you breathe the free air- you don’t need to depend on God so much. And chances are, without the necessity, you won’t.


I didn’t.


And with that sorted out, my heart was right again, and the terrible burden was lifted off my back. Sometimes I don’t understand how God works. I don’t understand how in just realising what the problem is I can be healed, while no amount of struggling will do when I know not the problem. But one thing I know. He has rescued me from the hole I was in, and I can feel it- I’m back.

Let’s go save the world.