Refreshment

The cool, cool drops of water land on my face as I look up
The refreshing water runs over my closed eyes
I take a deep breath and heave a sigh of relief
Refreshment has come
At long last


After finishing my basic military training, I got a week and a half off. But due to a new rule, I could not go overseas. The family vacation had already been planned, so with no other choice, they took off, leaving me behind.


On the second night alone I began to feel disoriented. The army life had taught me not to hold on to anything emotionally because it could be taken away from me at any time. From snacks to sleeping time, I became less and less emotionally attached to anything and soon, anyone. Distanced; that’s how I felt. I was supposed to have finished my worship plan the day before, but in this emotionless state, I could not do it. (This state has also kept me from being able to express myself in words, and thus my blog has hardly seen any updating since army began.)


On the third night things got worst. We’re always running around in the army, and so my adrenaline levels are perpetually up all day, and even at night. Stuck at home, my adrenaline was still instinctively pumping. Now I not just couldn’t feel emotions, I could not even think straight. There was no way I could plan out my worship leading.


I’m glad I was alone at home, because I spent a good amount of time talking to myself in the dark toilet, trying to figure out what God would say to me according to what I knew of him. When I came out into the light I didn’t feel much better, but God gave me enough head to plan the session.


The last time I lead, I was feeling down and depressed and chose songs that reflected that. Amazingly once I finished planning then, God sent my dad to lift me out of the gloom. And as the day of leading approached I noticed how many other youth were moving toward depression. So I felt God had put me in that state for the sake of the youth. Maybe he meant for the same now.


So I planned out a more emotionless worship session. Instead on relying on music and vocals to make the worship session more conducive, I looked for words. More contemporary songs are very general in their praise of God, but that allows for more emotional and personal worship. On the other hand, the more hymn like tunes are rich in their words used to praise God, though you may not feel as free to express your emotions in your own way. Being in this desensitised state, I picked more of the second, and included some contemporary pieces that the youth were very familiar with, hoping that familiarity would bring back memory of previous more intimate times in worship. Would all this work? I really do not know. My reasons sound very desperate, and that is not far from the truth.


So the worship plan was done and the e-mail sent out, but I was still feeling so lost. Then, though it was way past midnight, my hole in the wall came online. Ever since the closure of 2005, I hardly saw or talked to her on MSN. But this time, I felt I needed to. And as I spoke to her, I realised what it was that I really wanted now- I wanted to feel again.


A few weeks back I met her and as we talked we realised how similar our present situation was, at the crossroads of our lives, needing to decide which university course to pursue, and in turn set the direction for the rest of our lives. But even then I felt distanced from her; emotionally detached.


Today, it wasn’t a happy and cheerful hole in the wall that I found, but one who was broken, who was tired, and who was in a similar situation as me. We were both worship leading soon, we both hadn’t in a long time and were having trouble. I didn’t feel so alone any more.


And as she spoke, her words were neither expected nor conceivable, for the girl who had the biggest influence in my life was saying I was a big encouragement to her. The girl who inspired me to do so much more for Christ said I made her want to do more for Christ. The girl whom I had looked up to so much was now looking up to me too.


I began to tear
I began to cry
I began to feel


The song “None but Jesus” played in the background. God had put it in my head a long time back, but I didn’t remember the title till now. And as it played and as she wrote online, I knew God spoke to me. Amazingly, that song was stuck in her head too, especially during her previous mission trip. One coincidence too many, and one feeling too much. I felt the way I did so very often in 2005 when she was my mentor; I felt God was speaking to me through her. And as the memory returned… I could feel again.


By the end of the conversation, both of us were in tears. Before this conversation, I didn’t know what I was feeling and I was frustrated. After the conversation, I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I was at peace.


There is a certain beauty in the way God works
There is a certain beauty in weakness
There is a certain beauty in the way God uses weakness
To raise us from our lowest


I always thought you have to be out of the hole to put someone else out. But today, two people in the hole finding each other was enough to keep them both from dying out.


Guess what, it started to drizzle. Pathetic fallacy. Refreshment has come.


PS: I lead worship on the 23rd of this month. Do keep my team and I in prayer.