Convolution

I’m back. The trip was memorable. In the duration of the past month i’ve collected enough stories to keep the grandchildren awake for many long nights of fantastic stories. But what is that to you. So much happens in a month and no blogpost can ever do justice to such things. But what is that to you who read? Nay, i shall now write as i feel, type as i think with no plan or structure, and let the streams of consciousness guide my fingers.

I’ll begin at the end. For my highest commander had the last word. After reading from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, he said to the whole unit…

There’s a time for everything. We have past our peak, and we now move slowly towards…

death… I instinctively whispered aloud, but loud enough only for myself to hear.

Hibernation, he said. But my thoughts had already taken me. We had fought so hard, prepared so much, and suffered so terribly for the past 2 years. And now that all was said and done (and done well for that fact), we move slowly but inadvertently towards our death. Our time was up.

So i stayed in the desert with the people i had come to know over the past year or two. A few hundred of us in an isolated part of the world. So isolated that we began to really live with each other, and live without many things. First of all, there was no handphone reception in the whole campsite other than down the road, 300 meters away, where you can get about 3 bars to make a call. Then we discovered the sacred tree of reception where you could get one bar- enough to send and receive sms- within our camp. But because of the difficulty of this, we learnt to live without home. Without phones. Without internet.

It was quite a shock for me to realise how much i don’t need to survive, to be happy. I don’t need a computer that’s fast, or has internet access, or even a computer at all for that purpose. They are luxuries that we’ve come to call necessities. Then there’s the phone. I was surprised too that I don’t need this as much as i thought i would.

But what surprised me was that here i was still able to be happy. That means… I didn’t need to be within 10 meters of my family every day the way i thought i needed. That means… I didn’t need my closest friends the way i thought i would die without. That means… in true fact, i don’t need a girlfriend, and i don’t need a wife.

Let me clarify- I love you all, my family, my BFFs and my future wife- I did spend so much on smsing you guys too. But it is possible to live without them if the need arises.

I can live without so much money. I can live without music, i can live without a bed to sleep on, i can live without McDonalds.

Speaking of which, KFC has finally opened in Punggol. Punggol is now off the 3^rd world neighbourhood list at long last. This is the first fast food joint ever in the neighbourhood, even after i’ve been here over 4 years. Mom even wrote in to McDonalds to tell them to open a branch here but they didn’t.

“Dear Ronald McDonald…”

Doesn’t matter what or who she wrote to, she still insist they are losing a lot to not open here. And looking at the several thousand fast food starved citizens of Punggol queuing for KFC as if they were selling Hello Kitty… McDonalds would think again about my mom’s proposal. After all, my family has spent thousands of dollars on my account at McDonalds. Add together all the money we gave them for happy meals and they could open several new branches here too. Honour your shareholders.

Ok, so what can i not live without.

All I need

is the air I breathe

and a place to lay my head.

Not quite really. But that later.

Back home at last i’m looking out of the window. Below is a rooftop garden. Beyond that is the road and on the opposite side a field. Looking further there’s a river cutting across and a green hill in the distance. When i left, they were building a promenade by the river. Nice. When i returned, the empty field that stood between the river (with all that lay beyond) and i had been cleared. Now it was just dirt, mud and construction vehicles working like ants. There goes the neighbourhood.

We need different things in different places. Or we put priority on different things in different places. Back home it’s the clothes you wear and the phone you carry and the computer you use. There it’s who owns a magazine or a handheld portable gaming device or a chocolate bar. We’d pay 2 dollars for a coke without question while complain paying 1 buck back here. So stuff i thought i’d always need, i don’t. And that applies to more than the material plane.

Seriously, when you’re thousands of miles from your mother, your need for her’s not going to help anyone. And so you learn to live without her. And yeah i survived.

The big question in my mind has always been what is important in life and worth investing in. If money and clothes is not worth much in a different culture i don’t want to invest in it as much. But things like friends, bestest best friends, whom i thought were the world, were not the world. I didn’t understand.

I’m not trying to sound mysterious and in the end reveal to you something you could already guess i’d say. Because i’m not talking about God here. There’s no need to because He’s been there is there and has always been, everywhere anywhere with me. I don’t need to discover that. Maybe you need to, but that’s not my focus today. But to complete all righteousness anyway, times with God were great there- with the setting sun turning the sky golden behind the blue mountains, i could really… get back on track… somewhat.

I’ve been at the crossroads for months already. And this is an important crossroad, it’s effects are far reaching into the rest of my education, career, marriage and life- What to study and where. Nothing dramatic happened as i knelt on the ground, next to the tent or under the stars and the rising sun, but in the process of weighing the options of going overseas or staying home, one door felt closed. And coming back home and talking to dad was such confirmation, for they were praying for me back home and had come to the same conclusion. That… was clear enough for me.

And God carried me through the most difficult and exciting of missions i’ve ever completed. 4 times i cried out to him during that first night of hell and 4 times He replied, My Grace is sufficient for you. On the forth time i wanted to swear and might have. Fine, i did. Yet the night was darkest just before the dawn, and i failed to control myself long enough to see the most glorious sunrise in good faith. But God was faithful, and where i was weak and failed, he carried me through. Did i complete the greatest missions of my time? No. But He… did.

I’ve been so distant from everyone. But my decision has been made. I’m going… to stay. There’s work to do.

I had a dream while in the desert. I dreamt of someone i wanted to help. A girl whom in real life i was trying to get to know better. But something had happened to her and she had gotten in trouble, probably with the law. Now her parents, teachers and all were coming after me- for they knew i was in contact with her, and she had been speaking of me. I was being interrogated by her teacher who suspected i was the source of negative influence on her.

You see… in real life, when i’m not trying to save the world, i’m quite a jerk. I’m not very good with friendships i mean. Especially with girls- so my reputation’s not all that great. I’m just good at counselling. Whatever the case, i’d like to get back to counselling and saving the world. When you’re not paddling the boat moves backwards.

The lack of direction in this blogpost is almost… jarring. It’s tragic.

Ok let me sum up. All i needed there to survive, other than God and his word (and the prayers of the faithful, whose every prayer for me during this trip was fulfilled), i just needed something to do, and people to do it with.

There were days with nothing to do at all- everything was packed but the leaving date was yet to arrive. Life was horrid! Better were the days of great challenges for we had something to do, something to fight against, something to unite us. It may have been senseless, but it was somewhat meaningful.

I want to talk about smoking, drinking, clubbing and gambling but there are younger kids who read this blog and i don’t want to give them the wrong idea. But i did 2 of those and almost did a 3^rd if i wasn’t so afraid i’d die. Go figure.

Trying to be deeply poetic after reading the past month of blog entries from my favourite blog that said it was closed indefinitely before i left. Apparently indefinitely isn’t that long.

I’m trying to paint a work of art using brushstrokes I’m not familiar with. I’m writing like I see on the most poetic of blogs. But I don’t know if it works. After all, this ain’t homeground.